After 5 Years In U.S., Terrorist Cell Too Complacent To Carry Out Attack

**karusho** · 06-19-2007, 05:48 PM

After 5 Years In U.S., Terrorist Cell Too Complacent To Carry Out Attack

http://www.theonion.com/content/news..._u_s_terrorist

Quote:

SAN CLEMENTE, CA—Five years after settling in southern California and trying to blend into American society, a six-man terrorist cell connected to the militant Islamist organization Army of Martyrs has reportedly grown too complacent to conduct its suicide mission, an attack on the San Onofre Nuclear Generating Station.

According to cell leader and boat owner Jameel al-Sharif, the potentially devastating operation, which involves breaching the station's reactor core and triggering a meltdown that could rival the Chernobyl disaster, "can wait."

"We remain wholly committed to the destruction of America, the Great Satan," al-Sharif said. "But now is not a good time for us. The season finale of Lost was such a cliff- hanger that we have to at least catch the first episode of the new season. After that, though, death to the infidels."

"Probably," added al-Sharif, who noted that his nearly $6,000 in credit-card debt from recent purchases of a 52-inch HDTV and a backyard gas grill prevents him from buying needed materials for the attack.

Though the members of the cell said that they "live only to spill the blood of crusaders who oppress Muslims," they cited additional reasons for the delay, including an unexpired free Netflix trial and nagging lower-back pain.

"I think I'm entitled to a little time to fully enjoy the in-dash MP3 adapter and heads-up display that Allah, in His infinite wisdom, has seen fit to provide me with," munitions expert Mohammed Akram said of the 2006 Mercury Mariner that is intended to be used as a car bomb during the attack. "Also, I have nine months left on the lease. But after that, I am more than willing to load it with explosives and go to my glory in its all-leather interior and heated seats."

Cell member Sayyid al-Tantawi, a Cairo-born former physics professor who was able to obtain employment at San Onofre as a reactor technician, once routinely worked 18-hour days so he could secretly obtain security codes and detailed schematics of the facility. But since his promotion to senior project manager last November, al-Tantawi has grown accustomed to perks such as higher pay, mandatory vacation time, delegation of responsibilities, and long lunches with other managers.

"Don't get me wrong, I totally wish swift and painful death to all American pigs, especially that jerk [general manager] Dave [Landis]," al-Tantawi said. "But I'm no longer the new guy—why bust my *** all day long anymore? When I get home after a day at work, I don't savor staying up all night designing dirty-bomb triggering mechanisms like I did when I first got here. Sometimes I just want to pop in a CD by that soulful infidel Chris Daughtry and relax."

Al-Tantawi added that due to the sedentary nature of his job, he would have to "lose a few pounds, Allah willing" before being able to fulfill his most challenging task: infiltrating the reactor's spent fuel storage area and draining its coolant, thereby triggering a fire and releasing radioactive material.

Indeed, general preparedness appears to be the cell's greatest stumbling block.

"Five a.m. is when the facility is most vulnerable to attack, when the morning shift security personnel replace the overnight crew," said Adib Dhakwan, the cell's second-in-command. "Unfortunately, Starbucks doesn't open until six, and I don't know about you, but if I don't have that first cup of coffee, forget it."

Despite the terrorists' successful assimilation into American society, the FBI has been monitoring the activities of the "San Clemente Six" since late 2005. According to declassified intelligence documents, the cell's status was recently downgraded to "low risk," due in part to a near absence of cell phone chatter to parties other than Moviefone, and last month's online purchase of a hammock.

**Drew1369** · 06-19-2007, 05:54 PM

I love the onion!

**Spatcher** · 06-19-2007, 05:55 PM

I didn't read the article, but the link leads to the onion: they are known for their satire.

**Kalim** · 06-19-2007, 08:48 PM

Baloney.

**Drew1369** · 06-19-2007, 09:16 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kalim

Baloney.

you have to actually read the onion... they run satire nothing more... nothing less

**Drew1369** · 06-19-2007, 09:20 PM

http://www.theonion.com/content/news..._march_against

Quote:

WASHINGTON, DC—Braving balmy temperatures and sunny skies, millions of scarfless snowmen and snowwomen gathered in cities across the world Tuesday to raise public awareness about the heavy toll global warming is taking on their health and well-being.

Enlarge Image
Snowmen from across the nation gather at the Washington Monument to protest global warming.
According to organizers of marches in Washington, Atlanta, Montreal, Berlin, London, Reykjavik, and Moscow, global warming is the primary cause of the steep reduction in the snowman population throughout the Northern Hemisphere. Demonstrators worldwide called on their governments to take more aggressive steps to reduce the effects of climate change.

Organizers estimated the crowd at more than 375,000, but D.C. Police Commissioner Charles Stacey estimated turnout at 30,000 whole snowmen, with scattered rounded abdomens accounting for an additional 5,000. Atlanta organizers and police agree that all demonstrators had melted by 11 a.m.

Joe Centigrade, president of the Advocates For Beings Of Frozen Precipitation, spoke at a mass rally Tuesday on Washington's National Mall.

"The unseasonably warm winters of the recent past are a clear indication of a real environmental threat to humans and their frozen simulacra," said Centigrade, his coals arranged in a frowning pattern. "As snowmen and snowwomen, we accept the inevitability of melting, but the actions of man are causing us to evaporate well before our time."

Speakers at the Washington rally included a Chicago snowwoman who had lost three snowchildren to warm temperatures, the Rev. Jesse Jackson, and Larry Chilly, formerly a 6-foot-tall, triple-segmented Muncie, IN snowman, who had been reduced to a slushy head.

Centigrade told the slowly melting snowcrowd that as recently as 15 years ago, the average life span of a snowperson built in late December was three weeks to a month. Today, that same snowperson has an average life span of two weeks.

Centigrade also recounted stories of once-jolly snowmen unable to keep their carrot noses in their fast-melting faces, and of others who were made of only two undersize segments.

"In many regions of New England today, there's not even enough snow on the ground to make snowballs, much less a torso," Centigrade said. "Instead, some snowmen are stuck together with slush and leaves rather than pure, white snow. We must take steps now to end their suffering."

Bearing signs with such slogans as "You Can't Build A Snowman With Rain" and "Winter = Life," the crystalline-ice protestors, many of whom had chartered refrigerated tractor-trailers and ice-cream trucks to travel to the mass protest, complained that popular stereotypes about snowmen obscure and trivialize the crisis.

Enlarge Image
Larry Chilly speaks out against mankind's global irresponsibility.
"Humans sneer at us, 'If you want to stay intact, go to the North Pole and live with Santa,'" said Susie Flakeman, a Thunder Bay, Ontario snowwoman waiting in line with hundreds of others to use a Porta-Freezer. "But less than one-half of 1 percent of us ever receive that honor. Most of us end up victims of the scourge that almost killed Frosty: man-made climate change."

The protest was largely peaceful, disrupted only by a disturbing incident in which one distraught snowman hurled himself into the reflecting pool of the National Mall. He suffered third-degree slush on over 90 percent of his body before rescuers could recover him. He was rushed to a local meat locker where he was pronounced melted on arrival.

Some scientists refuted the snowbeings' claims regarding global warming.

"Throughout history, the earth has endured periods of temperature fluctuation," said Dr. Harley Morrison, a biochemist who has advised President Bush on scientific issues. "Also, there have already been several major blizzards throughout North America this season alone. I made a snowman myself, and he lasted for several weeks."

Late word arrived Tuesday evening that the Moscow protest was violently dispersed by riot police bearing hot-water hoses and snow blowers. Moscow officials said the snowmen were illegally blocking pedestrian traffic near the Kremlin and causing people to slip and fall in their slushy wakes. Snow leaders, including Centigrade, condemned the crackdown.

"Those of us who remember the Icelandic anti-heated-sidewalk riots of the 1980s know that the powers that be despise and fear snowmen who fight for their rights," Centigrade said. "They'd rather kill the messengers than face the fact that our ecosystems are changing irreparably. We're prepared to stay in D.C. as long as it takes until Congress agrees to listen to our demands."

Before he could conclude his remarks, Centigrade's face slid off.

**Kalim** · 06-19-2007, 09:58 PM

Yeah, I've come across it many times before and I am aware of their witful nature - but their underlying bases for many expositions is what I call nonsense. A bit like the TheInq.

ebackhus · 06-20-2007, 11:12 AM

The Onion is one of our greatest sources of lulz.

~~Nik00117~~ · 06-21-2007, 02:11 AM

Thats simply great, i'd bomb the place at 5 AM but starbucks doesn't open until 6 AM and I don't wanna go blowing up the infedels without first having my cup of coffe.

06-19-2007, 05:54 PM	#2 (permalink)
Drew1369 Moderator Relaxation Room Join Date: Jan 2007 Location: Seattle, WA, USA Posts: 3,429 OS: Win7 Ultimate	Re: After 5 Years In U.S., Terrorist Cell Too Complacent To Carry Out Attack I love the onion! __________________ We humans have a primal urge to kill because, thanks to natural selection, all the homo sapiens who didn't have a primal urge to kill, were themselves killed. http://obamaclock.org/

06-19-2007, 05:55 PM	#3 (permalink)
Spatcher Henry Join Date: Apr 2005 Posts: 3,484 OS: Mac OSX	Re: After 5 Years In U.S., Terrorist Cell Too Complacent To Carry Out Attack I didn't read the article, but the link leads to the onion: they are known for their satire. __________________ JohnThePilot: Cenedl heb iaith, cenedl heb galon (a nation without a language is a nation without a heart) John Butler Trio: Go take a step outside, see what's shakin' in the real world - Good Excuse Paul Kelly: Just add a dollop of tomato sauce for sweetness and that extra tang - How to Make Gravy

06-19-2007, 08:48 PM	#4 (permalink)
Kalim Roaming To Help Join Date: Nov 2006 Posts: 5,642 OS: Many	Re: After 5 Years In U.S., Terrorist Cell Too Complacent To Carry Out Attack Baloney.

06-19-2007, 09:58 PM	#7 (permalink)
Kalim Roaming To Help Join Date: Nov 2006 Posts: 5,642 OS: Many	Re: After 5 Years In U.S., Terrorist Cell Too Complacent To Carry Out Attack Yeah, I've come across it many times before and I am aware of their witful nature - but their underlying bases for many expositions is what I call nonsense. A bit like the TheInq.

06-20-2007, 11:12 AM	#8 (permalink)
ebackhus Manager, Design Join Date: Apr 2005 Location: SATX Posts: 14,271 OS: WinXP Pro SP3/Windows 7 RTM My System Blog Entries: 28	Re: After 5 Years In U.S., Terrorist Cell Too Complacent To Carry Out Attack The Onion is one of our greatest sources of lulz. __________________ ----------------------------- There are no dumb questions, unless a customer is asking them. Help in the fight against cancer and other serious illnesses.

06-21-2007, 02:11 AM	#9 (permalink)
~~Nik00117~~ Troubled Join Date: Jan 2007 Location: Germany Posts: 1,572 OS: XP Pro, Vista Ulimate My System	Re: After 5 Years In U.S., Terrorist Cell Too Complacent To Carry Out Attack Thats simply great, i'd bomb the place at 5 AM but starbucks doesn't open until 6 AM and I don't wanna go blowing up the infedels without first having my cup of coffe.