How to Talk to Your Kids About Almost Anything.
BY WENDY MOLYNEUX
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Raising kids today is more challenging than ever, but communication is key. Some subjects might make you uncomfortable, but addressing them honestly now will really help you out down the road. These sample dialogues are a road map to addressing life's thornier issues.
The Facts of Life
CHILD: Where do babies come from?
MOM: What babies? I don't see any babies around here, do you?
CHILD: I mean, when people have babies, where do they come from?
MOM: Space.
CHILD: Does that mean I'm from space?
MOM: Yes. You're from Mars.
CHILD: (Crying.) I'm a Martian?
MOM: Yes, and if you don't make your bed every day, Mommy and Daddy will send you back to Mars to live with your real parents.
CHILD: You're not my real mom?
MOM: No. You're a Martian princess that was sent to live with an Earth family for your own protection. Your real mom is 16 feet tall and shoots lasers out of her eyes when she gets mad. Think about that next time I send you to your room. At least I didn't burn all your toys with my laser-eyes.
Drugs
CHILD: What are drugs, and should I do them?
MOM: Do you have any?
CHILD: No.
MOM: Then let Mommy watch CSI Miami.
CHILD: At school they said we should just say no.
MOM: Um, do I interrupt you when you're watching Sesame Street?
CHILD: I'm 14. I don't watch that anymore.
MOM: Wait, which kid are you?
CHILD: Tammy.
MOM: Tammy what?
CHILD: Tammy Molyneux.
MOM: Freaky. We have the same last name.
CHILD: You're my mom.
MOM: (Sigh.) I thought you were from Mars.
CHILD: I stopped believing that a long time ago.
MOM: Well, you're going to get a big <TWIBAT> surprise on your 16th birthday when your real mom lands in a spaceship in our backyard and snatches you out of the house with her spiny tentacles.
CHILD: I am not from Mars.
MOM: Prove it.
War
CHILD: Is it always wrong to go to war?
MOM: Excuse me, but what does the cardboard sign hanging around my neck say?
CHILD: It says, "Don't talk to Mom. She has a hangover."
MOM: OK then.
CHILD: You spelled "hangover" wrong.
MOM: You got the gist. Lot of good those spelling skills are going to do you where you're going. They don't even have colleges there. And they don't speak English.
CHILD: Where am I going?
MOM: Do I have to say it?
CHILD: I wish I was never born.
MOM: You weren't. You hatched from a big green egg.
Religion
CHILD: Is there a God?
MOM: I think your people worship a glowing orb or something.
CHILD: What do you mean, my people?
MOM: Martians.
CHILD: OK, that's enough. I never believed that crap and I'm never going to.
MOM: Hey, OK, don't get mad.
CHILD: I am mad. I am not a Martian! I am a human! I hate you! Oh my God! What the <TWIBAT> was that? Lasers just came out of my eyes.
MOM: I told you so.
CHILD: Sh**.
MOM: And when your dad gets home you can tell him who burned his at-home karaoke machine with her laser-eyes.
CHILD: Holy crap.
MOM: Now can you move from in front of the TV, your royal highness? According to Jim is on.
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To Change
the Carburetor.
BY JENN GUITART
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You might not want to change your carburetor, because it's very hard to do. To change the carburetor, you need to get under the car; this is difficult, and not worth it.
There is no reason to change your carburetor; carburetors are not important. (Fig. 1) Your car will probably run fine with the carburetor the way it is. In fact, your car may not even have a carburetor.
To Find the Carburetor
The carburetor is somewhere in or on the metal parts of the car. Look under the hood or underneath the car. The carburetor is usually made of metal.
Once You Find the Carburetor
Once you find the carburetor, you need to take it off or out. The carburetor will be very much attached to the car. It will be almost impossible to get the carburetor to detach from the car. Removing it will require tools and various unscrewing and twisting maneuvers using tools and both the right and left hands.
Upon removal of the carburetor, you should put the carburetor somewhere. You will notice that after you have removed the carburetor there will be a space where the carburetor formerly was. This is the space where you will put a new carburetor.
Obtaining the New Carburetor
You may want to put a new carburetor in the space that has been made available by the removal of the old carburetor.
New carburetors can be sought out at a variety of car places, places that sell car parts, and places that have car parts. It is unlikely, however, that you will be able to find a carburetor at a car place or anywhere else.
Installing the New Carburetor
It is not advisable to replace the old carburetor with a part such as you might find at one of these car places. In fact, it is dangerous, and impossible. You should avoid doing it. (Fig. 2) To install the new carburetor, find the spot where there used to be a carburetor. If your car did not have or need a carburetor, you may omit this step.
The tools required to install the new carburetor are the same as those used to remove the old one. Be sure you have all of them. Line them up in order and maneuver them in a sensible way until the new carburetor is attached to the car.
Note
Chances are, if you are having trouble with your carburetor, it is a problem with your mind or with other parts of the car. The carburetor itself is not a troublesome part of the car. In fact, it is not usually part of the car at all.