Quote:
Originally Posted by Geekgirl
For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on.
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated,
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash........Twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.
6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.
7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.
8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.
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I heard that one a while back, along with a load of other things taking the mick out of Microsoft.
One slightly different:
# Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you'd have to buy a new car.
# Occasionally your car would just die on the motorway for no reason, accept this, restart and drive on.
# Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail to restart and you'd have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason, you'd just accept this too.
# You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought a "Car 95" or a "Car NT". But then you'd have to buy more seats.
# Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was twice as reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive - but it would only run on five percent of the roads.
# The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars which would make their cars go much slower.
# The oil, engine, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced with a single "General Car Fault" warning light.
# People would get excited about the "new" features in Microsoft cars, forgetting completely that they had been available in other cars for many years.
# We'd all have to switch to Microsoft gas and all auto fluids but the packaging would be superb.
# New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
# The airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off.
# If you were involved in a crash, you would have no idea what happened.
# They wouldn't build their own engines, but form a cartel with their engine suppliers. The latest engine would have 16 cylinders, multi-point fuel injection and 4 turbos, but it would be a side-valve design so you could use Model-T Ford parts on it.
# There would be an "Engine Pro" with bigger turbos, but it would be slower on most existing roads.
# Microsoft cars would have a special radio/cassette player which would only be able to listen to Microsoft FM, and play Microsoft Cassettes. Unless of course, you buy the upgrade to use existing stuff.
# Microsoft would do so well, because even though they don't own any roads, all of the road manufacturers would give away Microsoft cars free, including IBM!
# If you still ran old versions of car (i.e. CarDOS 6.22/CarWIN 3.11), then you would be called old fashioned, but you would be able to drive much faster, and on more roads!
# If you couldn't afford to buy a new car, then you could just borrow your friends, and then copy it.
# Whenever you bought a car, you would have to reorganize the ignition for a few days before it worked.
# You would need to by an upgrade to run cars on a motorway next to each other.
Another one:
If Restaurants Functioned Like Microsoft...
Patron: Waiter!
Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I'll be your Support.
Waiter: What seems to be the problem?
Patron: There's a fly in my soup!
Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time.
Patron: No, it's still there.
Waiter: Maybe it's the way you're using the soup. Try eating it with a fork instead.
Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.
Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl. What kind of bowl are you using?
Patron: A SOUP bowl!
Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it's a configuration problem. How was the bowl set up?
Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer. What has that to do with the fly in my soup?!
Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup?
Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!
Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?
Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day??
Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.
Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?
Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato.
Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup, and the check. I'm running late now.
[waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check]
Waiter: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check.
Patron: This is potato soup.
Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn't ready yet.
Patron: Well, I'm so hungry now, I'll eat anything.
[waiter leaves.]
Patron: Waiter! There's a gnat in my soup!
The check:
Soup of the Day . . . . . . . . . . $5.00
Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day. . $2.50
Access to support . . . . . . . . . $1.00
Windows = Virus:
Virus:
# They replicate quickly - okay, Windows does that.
# Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so - okay, Windows does that.
# Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk - okay, Windows does that too.
# Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. Sigh... Windows does that, too.
# Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. Yup, that's with Windows, too.
Sorry if they have been said, I haven't read the whole thread!